I have in my possession, at this very moment, a magical elixir that will cure all human ailments.

But you have to act fast if you want a piece of the action!

And, if you sell it to your friends and family and get them into the “business,” I’ll make you rich, beautiful, smart, and sexy….and give you the keys to a brand new sports car!

Actually, I’ll cut to the business part first and be honest. Consider yourself lucky to be hearing this, because most pyramid schemes keep the dirty stuff down low and make you figure it out on your own.

This stuff we sell is no different than any other product you can buy at any retail store. Basically, it’s flavored junk. But, I’ll take you to seminars where really smart manipulators will convince you that you can earn $250,000 a year and a life of luxury simply by becoming one of our ambassadors.

People will hug you and cry. Your emotions will overflow.

We don’t actually associate with you, nor do we consider you an employee. To be brutally honest, we’ve bought something at a knock-off price, marked it up to the moon, and marketed the heck out of it to make people believe that it is magical. And we have no interest in you as a person whatsoever.

We want quick bucks. And we know that you do, too.

You won’t find our product in stores because there is no way we could thrive in a true free-market economy. Nobody in their right mind would buy our junk in a reputable store. And no reputable store would market our lie.

We rely on deception. Once you buy a bunch of our product, you’ll feel compelled to ditch it on everyone you know to earn your money back. And if you’re really greedy, you’ll give us free advertising via word of mouth and places such as Facebook.

Again, I want to take the high road and be honest with you and reiterate; we simply want to make money. And we know that you do, too. If you have a conscience, this might not be the game for you.

We use God to sell our products, even enlisting so-called preachers to advance our cause. We promote ourselves as a “science” and are adept at brain-washing people who dream of gaining a fast buck. We even claim to feed starving children with our “miracle shakes” just to drive a wedge of hope for the legitimacy of our business into your soul.

But beware: once you buy into the dream, you’re hooked. Sooner or later, you’ll realize you’ve been duped. Since your pride won’t allow you to accept this fact, you will vigorously defend our product.

For us, that’s a perfect storm.

We’ve even taken some ingenious steps by buying every imaginable Website URL with names that say our product sucks, or is a scam. Most people are too impatient to search very long, as we know. When they see Internet proof on page one of Google that we really are “miraculous” and will provide them with easy money, they won’t dig further. They’ll buy in, too.

And you’ll be on your way to a new BMW.

But, soon, those who aren’t afraid to cut their losses will bow out. Your “downline” will start to diminish and you’ll find that you can’t afford that BMW anymore (because you are responsible for the lease on a monthly basis, not us).

And then the dream of easy riches will start to crash. Formerly close friends won’t respect you anymore. Everyone who used to think highly of you will view you as an opportunist with an agenda.

Welcome to multi-level marketing, a.k.a pyramid schemes.

We’ve made millions by taking advantage of human nature for centuries.

Billy Bruce is a freelance writer who lives in Pedro. He can be contacted at hollandkat3@aol.com.