An Akron father accused of child endangerment was ordered to stay away from his 14-year-old daughter this week after he tried to influence her during a supervised visitation.

Monday, August 28, 2000

An Akron father accused of child endangerment was ordered to stay away from his 14-year-old daughter this week after he tried to influence her during a supervised visitation.

The man, Thomas Lavery, is accused of beating his children and "enforcing cruel study habits" in his obsession with academic success.

He allegedly beat a daughter for placing second instead of first in a national spelling bee.

The child who is now in protective custody is the youngest of Lavery’s five children.

A story like that makes you wonder what could have possessed a parent to be so self-absorbed that his child’s academic failings would make him beat her instead of hug her with pride when she came in second in such a prestigious competition.

But that is the way it is with some parents. Winning is all that matters whether that success is found on a football field or in a classroom. Not getting the best grades or best position on the team is considered a betrayal to a parent who is living his or her own teens over again through his or her children.

How sad for the child and how pathetic for the parent.

Of course, this case is an extreme. This man has a screw loose. But there are many parents who come dangerously close with their impassioned reactions when their children "lose," whether that be at a football game, during cheerleading tryouts or when announcements of final grade point averages are made.

While most of these people probably do not raise their hands to strike their children, sometimes it is their emotional outburst that hurts like a slap.

Our children are a lot better at perspective than some of their parents. They understand – if they have been taught properly – that a life is full of successes and failures and that both should be kept in perspective.

When adults in their lives lose that focus, that is when children start to doubt themselves and to hate those who stole their victory away.

And that is exactly the opposite of what we should be teaching them about adulthood, life and unconditional love.

No success is worth losing yourself in the process.