Dear Readers, I received several requests for advice about the same theme: bullying in school.

I have combined the letters in order to save space. My response is the same advice I would give to each situation. Mistreatment of one person to another causes wounds that can last throughout life.

I cannot control your behavior. On the other hand, I am totally responsible for my own.

I’ve held on to a saying I heard years ago that I find to be extremely true, “When you allow another’s behavior determine your own, you are the victim.”

As you know from reading my past articles, I like to find lighthearted memories to share. However, an advice column is a different animal. You will typically ask for advice for sore spots in your life. Therefore, my writing has to address these. I will keep trying to write light hearted articles, but bear with me as I also deal with the pains of life you express to me.

Warmly,

Nora

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Dear Nora: How do I keep my middle school student focused on the bigger picture of things, making right choices and staying confident among some vicious peers?

She has suffered profanity and harsh putdowns from peers. I know it has to be embarrassing for her and I hate to see her lose confidence.

I want her to be kind to people, but I want her to take up for herself.

I try to explain that those who are mean are simply trying to fit in and think if they bring someone down they are getting higher in a fictitious hierarchy of middle school.

My advice to ignore them only goes so far. How can I protect her while she learns very difficult lessons?

— Heart-Aching Mom

Dear Heart-Aching Mom: What you are describing has become so widespread, it actually has a professional term: Relational Aggression.

Relational Aggression is an epidemic in our society, especially in middle school and high school, though many adults are experts in it as well.

Through this alternative form of aggression a sense of control is sought by the aggressor whose goal to damage the social status and other relationships of the person being targeted.

No one is immune to utilizing or becoming the victim of Relational Aggression. The basic need of the aggressor is to have control and power within their social circle. It can be vicious and manipulative. Relational Aggression has at its roots a need for power.

So when you speak of the ‘fictitious hierarchy of middle school,’ you’ve directly hit the basic issue.

My advice is to make sure your daughter is involved in other social circles outside of school, where she is valued and can learn to value others.

Get her involved in healthy relationships through such organizations as 4-H and church youth groups. Make sure the leaders of the social group she attends are alert to RA and willing to work through disagreements or relational tensions in a healthy manner.

Also, get your daughter involved in community service.

I have found that when my focus is on the needs of others I gain a sense of personal value and feel more confident in my interactions with others.

In this manner, your daughter will gain a sense of personal value by sharing in the needs of others. Her world will no longer focus on the interactions during the school day.

Make sure your daughter knows she can always pour out her heart to you.

But you must guard your own heart and not allow your daughter’s pain to cause you to retaliate in unhealthy, relationally aggressive ways.

The most difficult, but most important job I ever had was and is being a parent. You are her role model, so your words must meet your actions. This is extremely difficult when you see your daughter being abused, but when she becomes an adult, you will see the fruit of your efforts.

Warmly,

Nora

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Dear Nora: In high school, I was not in one of the popular in crowds.

In fact, I was looked down on due to my family not having the resources to get me all the things teens thought they should have.

Now, we are having a class reunion.

While there are several people I would like to reconnect with, those feelings of not being ‘good enough’ come back to me when I think about going, even though in my career I am a success.

How can I go to this gathering without getting caught in the ‘I am more successful than you’ game and trying to prove that I am better than you?

— Looking Back with Painful Memories

Dear Looking Back: You are not alone in your fear of class reunions.

Our adolescent days were fragile ones and the thought of returning to it can cause anxiety.

There are those who will tell you that their high school days were the best of their life. I’m not one of them.

Unfortunately, we tend to keep others in a box and limit them to the few memories we have of them as they were in childhood.

We humans have a weakness that tempts us to constantly compare ourselves to others. We have a dark need to find someone who is ‘less-than’ what we think we are to make us feel better about ourselves.

Don’t allow your fears and memories of painful interactions keep you from going to your reunion.

This is a wonderful opportunity to see not only those who are dear to you, but also to see how those who were hurtful to you have hopefully grown into more compassionate whole adults.

I found that the best way to have people walk away with pleasant memories of you at such interaction is to focus your conversation on them.

Don’t feel the need to seek out their accolades for your accomplishments.

Only you and God know the battles you have fought, the wounds you have incurred and the victories you have achieved.

Be confident in who you are today and pray those who want to hold on to the weakness of the past will overcome this need.

Warmly,

Nora

Nora Swango Stanger, a Lawrence County native and Appalachian outreach coordinator for Sinclair Community College, can be reached at norastanger@gmail.com.