I sees where the Bengals done lost their opener again. Poor coach Marvin Lewis. I don't think he knows what he done got hisself into there in Cincinnati.

I mean, after they wuz drubbed by Denver, he had to go to the postgame press conference and it was one of the strangest press conferences I've ever attended. A lot of things were said, but here are the top 10 things heard:

10. At least the all-black uniforms made the players look thinner.

9. Can't we get some seats in the upper deck instead of so near the action?

8. Looks like we've got the No. 1 draft pick wrapped up again.

7. At least our punt team and kickoff return got a lot of practice.

6. Now you know why our malpractice insurance rates are so high.

5. I think we should drop down to Division I-AA.

4. Hey look! They're showing our game highlights on Comedy Central.

3. Maybe if we gave the offense some Viagra it would cure its impotence.

2. Why's Marvin reading the want ads?

1. Got any Browns tickets?

Go Bengals. And take the Reds with you.

Last week I wuz a sizzlin' 13-2 to bring the season's mark 23-5 (.821

percentage). Maybe we kin shoot fer a perfect week. Then again, I never wuz a very good shot.

Portsmouth at Ironton: The Trojans have had Ironton's number the last three meetings. It's bout time the Fightin' Tigers gits a new number. Ironton 14, Portsmouth 12.

Portsmouth West at Rock Hill: Word is the Sin-a-tors is gittin' healthy. So are the Redmen. Should make fer a healthy contest. Doctor Prognosticator says …. Upset Special. Rock Hill 19, Portsmouth West 18.

Vinton County at Coal Grove: So far Vinton Co. has had its way with Ohio Valley Conference teams. Time to git some revenge fer the league. Coal Grove 18, Vinton County 13.

Chesapeake at Waverly: Both teams been strugglin' with their offense. Guess ya could say they aren't very offensive. They don't offend me. I likes … Chesapeake 16, Waverly 6.

South Point at Mount Hope: The Pointers are hopin' fer an offensive touchdown. Besides hope, ya needs faith, and I gots faith in … South Point 28, Mount Hope 12.

Fairland at Portsmouth East: Okay, so they isn't called Portsmouth East any more. They is Sciotoville Community East. Whatever. I thinks I'll call this one … Fairland 20, East 16.

Symmes Valley at South Gallia: Look fer the Rebels to be a tough fight this time around. I don't sees a knockout, but it should be a unanimous decision. Symmes Valley 26, South Gallia 18.

Green at Cumberland:

I don't know what their nickname is, but I thinks they should call themselves the Cumberland Cucumbers. Cumberland 14, Green 12.

Hillsboro at Wheelersburg: A game of hills and wheels. Seems to me that wheels really roll fast down a hill. Wheelersburg 27, Hillsboro 7.

Others: Trimble over Portsmouth Notre Dame, Wellston over Oak Hill, Lucasville Valley over Northwest, Minford over Nelsonville-York, Popeye & Olive over Russell.