Many of the biggest holidays we celebrate are significant holy days. But today, Mother’s Day, is just wholly significant.

This is a day that every American — and every human being in general — should celebrate because none of us would be here with our mothers.

It doesn’t matter if you have the best relationship or the worst relationship. It doesn’t matter if your mother is still living or has moved on from this world. It doesn’t matter if your mother is the youngest of her peers or the oldest.

None of us could be here if we didn’t have one.

But what do you say about a mother? How can you possibly put into words how important one is?

I’m not sure I could do the role justice with my praise. But, thankfully, I do not have to.

A friend of mine, local pastor Hoyt Allen Jr., passed along a note that may offer the best description of motherhood I have ever read.

Hoyt has cleaned it up and modified it some, but it is one of those common e-mail forwards that many people have seen over the years. It doesn’t have a credited author and just sort of becomes an urban legend.

So, here goes, as shared by Hoyt, “What does it take to be a mother?”

POSITION OPENING: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma.

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.

Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls and the Internet, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

EARLIER EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually fatiguing basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could do more.

BENEFITS: No health or dental insurance. No pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered.

However, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Does this sound like something you would want to apply for? Although it may sound daunting, billions have risen to the challenge.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all.

Michael Caldwell is publisher of The Tribune. To reach him, call (740) 532-1445 ext. 24 or by e-mail at mike.caldwell@irontontribune.com.