“I say it’s high time we update the wording of the presidential oath of office, which is specified in Article II, Section 1 of the U.S. Constitution.”

“Update it?”

“That’s right. Our current president isn’t following it much anyhow, so why don’t you recite it from the top so we can get to work?”

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

“’I,’ you say? Since some want our country to be more collectivist, I think we should go with ‘we.’ Continue.”

“We do —”

“’Do?’ Only a determined president would do what he says he will do. Change that one to ‘may.’”

“We may solemnly —”

“Stop! ‘Solemnly? As in ‘solemn resolve’? That sounds so serious. Our president is the opposite of serious about many of our country’s challenges. Change that to ‘frivolously.’”

“We may frivolously swear —”

“’Swear?’ As in ‘affirm’? As in ‘assert strongly and publicly’? I don’t think so. The only time our president talks with such resolve is when he is criticizing Republicans. Better change that to ‘consider.’”

“We may frivolously consider that I —”

“’I?’ You realize a president requires several bureaucrats to impose a European-style democracy on a half-asleep populace. Change that to ‘we.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we will —”

“’Will’ is way too strong a word. It evokes certainty and determination. Better change that to ‘may.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may faithfully —”

“Stop! ‘Faithfully’ has religious overtones. That might offend some. Take that out altogether.”

“We may frivolously consider that we may execute —”

“’Execute’ is so weighty and confining. Change that to ‘attempt to carry out.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may attempt to carry out the office of the President of the United States —”

“Whoa! That is not correct. The goal of our president appears to be to give promises and government largesse to people who will vote for him and his party. His duty appears to be to those people. Change that to ‘the will of the people who vote for me.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may attempt to carry out the will of the people who vote for me and will —”

“Change that second ‘will’ to ‘may,’ please.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may attempt to carry out the will of the people who vote for me and may to the best of my ability —”

“Change ‘my’ to ‘our.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may attempt to carry out the will of the people who vote for me and may to the best of our ability preserve —”

“Stop! Our president doesn’t want to preserve things like American exceptionalism. He believes in more ‘progressive’ ideas. Change that to ‘progress.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may attempt to carry out the will of the people who vote for me and may to the best of our ability progress, protect —”

“’Protecting’ requires leadership and hard work. It is easier to just give things to people. Change to ‘provide.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may attempt to carry out the will of the people who vote for me and may to the best of our ability progress, provide and defend —”

“’Defend?’ As in ‘defend the Constitution’? That’s a good one. We need a term that aligns better with our president’s thinking. Change that to ‘amend.’”

“We may frivolously consider that we may attempt to carry out the will of the people who vote for me and may to the best of our ability progress, provide and amend the Constitution of the United States.”

“Now that’s an oath of office our president might be willing to keep!”

 

Tom Purcell is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.