If sports are supposed to be the escape from the real world, why do we want to create a sports reality show?

ESPN has come up with a couple of new shows that are part of the “reality” show craze. The problem with reality shows lies with the word reality.

Reality shows are scripted much like pro wrestling. People do not act normal.

They clean up for the camera and are nothing like themselves, a.k.a. the Barry Bonds reality show. Please just put him in a white robe and let him use Mother Teresa as his role model.

If we’re going to script a reality show, let’s make it worth the air time it eats up. My suggestion is to show the every day operations of a pro team with someone else in charge like, say, the Marx Brothers.

Let’s say Groucho is the owner of the Cincinnati Reds, Chico is the team’s manager and, since Harpo doesn’t talk, he can be John Allen.

The first show would have the trio discussing business during the offseason.

Groucho: Guess what? I got vice-president Cheney to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day. I was visiting his ranch and I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know (an oldie but a goodie).

Chico: So how did he end up throwing out the first pitch?

Groucho: It was either I let him throw out the first pitch or I had to walk out in front while we were hunting. And there was no way I was going to be the first one to cross over the viaduct.

Chico: Viaduct.

Groucho: Yeah. A viaduct. Chico: Vi a duck. Vi not a free agent.

Harpo: Honk, honk.

Groucho: A free agent would put us over the salary cap and we’d have to pay the luxury tax.

Chico: Hey, I think Roger Clemens lives in Taxes.

Groucho: No no. Taxes. You know, like dollars.

Chico: That’s a right, he lives in Dollars, Taxes.

Harpo: Honk, honk.

Groucho: Well, we do need some pitchers.

Chico: I think water coolers are better. They hold more water and don’t spill.

Groucho: Not pitchers of water. A thrower. Thrower.

Chico: It depends on how much she weighs if I can throw her.

Groucho: Tell me, just how many times have you been beaned with a fastball?

Harpo: Honk, honk.

Groucho: One thing for sure, we have some good hit men on this team. I think Don Corleone would have loved to have this gang of hit men.

Chico: They never had a hit like the one I took on the Super Bowl.

Harpo: Honk, honk.

Groucho: You certainly add more to this conversation than Chico. Tell me, do you even know what baseball is all about?

Chico: Never heard of it.

Groucho: If you don’t know anything about baseball, maybe I should get you a job with the Detroit Tigers.

Now that’s a reality show worth watching.

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.